Nine Hot Etiquette Tips for Summer

The Fourth of July is here. Memorial Day is gone. The heat and fun of summer is here. Celebrate! Many of you may have notice that we took a year long pause since our last post on suicide. We needed to do so. Thank you all for your inquires. We are back and in full swing. Summer planning is in full swing, trips and camp deposits are paid for and calendars aligned. Many of our staff members live near the beach, a water park and club pool. We are enjoying them. In the summer it’s important to remember to keep up our manners and brush up on our civility, thoughtfulness, and kindness. Remember these nine rules and you'll beat the heat and your courtesy will shine this summer. 

·       Remember to respond to those summer party invitations in a timely manner and teach your children to do the same. No one hosting a summer picnics wants to run out of hot dogs.

·       No splashing water on others in swimming pools or water park and immediately stop when you hear a lifeguard whistle. They are in charge and know what is best.

·       Say “thank you” to your camp counselors, babysitters, bus drivers, and any special guests who visit you this summer and teach your children to do the same.

·       Let your child, even if she is a preschooler, set the table for each meal while you are on summer break. They will learn the correct way to do it after a few times and they will feel like a VIP for being old enough to help you. Cookouts and barbecues are a perfect time for them to practice table setting and manners.

·       Observe proper dress codes of stores and restaurants after you leave the beach and swimming pool. But your cover-up on and dry off. Some places do not allow flip-flops or swim attire. Keep an extra set of clothes in the car, just in case.

·       Before hitting the amusement park, remind your children how to act appropriately at amusement parks, zoos, water parks, beaches, and other places they may visit this summer. This includes to be patient while waiting in line. No yelling, crowding, kicking or climbing. 

·       Remember to respect the landscape, don’t pick or thrash the flowers or plants. 

·       Pick up your trash. 

·       Summer is a time to be outside and play. Remind your child to have good sportsmanship while playing games this summer. They can’t expect to win each time. Playing the game is the point. So is, having fun and being together, out of work or school and in the sun.

Jump into the pool. Dance to the music. Strike a pose. Have fun, be kind – it feels good. Stay safe and remember to mind your manners each day!

For Women “The Sense of Season Grows”

It is all around us. There is change in the air. Whether it’s the final break in the stifling days of summer or the sight and sounds of school buses back on the road in the clogged beltway traffic, change is all around us. Especially, for women, the season is bringing a societal change. In Washington, DC and across the country the change is being heard through the voices of our fellow female citizens.

A lesson of today’s season of change, reminds me of the quote from Shakespeare, “the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players.” Even, the great “Bard of Avalon” recognized the role of women as equal players. The first step in playing our equal part is often speaking up. The female leaders of today have a chance to step out on the stage with dignity, confidence, manners, and grace.

However, it’s also important for women to “go wisely.... Those that rush stumble and fall,” and to heed Shakespeare’s advice in Romeo and Juliet. Madeleine Albright, former US Secretary of State, gave some great advice to young female leaders at a recent conference I attended. She said, “Women have to be active listeners and interrupters – but when you interrupt, you have to know what you are talking about.” She suggested women try these appropriate phrases to interrupt:

• “Excuse me, let me add to the point you just made by offering this... “

• “I am not sure the suggestion made is possible to do at this point because…”

• “I understand your point. It might be helpful to the group if we also consider other viewpoints such as... “

• “You are passionate about this and I respect that. Let me offer another idea so that the group can weigh in on both perspectives...”

Remember, there is no reason to begin your interruption with an apology. It undermines women’s credibility.

To listen actively and credibly, you must also exhibit engaged body language by:

Paying attention to the person who is speaking.

• Keeping eye contact.

• Showing interest by nodding or by smiling at appropriate times.

• Repeating what you’ve heard in your own words what you have heard.

• Not looking at your phone.

• Not leaning away from the speaker.

• Not making small talk while others are speaking.

• Not looking down.

September has brought many women’s voices to the forefront. These women are reshaping their part in the play of society, with dignity, speaking their truth, offering themselves up to be heard, chosen, elected, judged, seen, and counted. I applaud them and challenge tomorrow’s courageous female leaders to continue to speak out, to be active listeners and to “go wisely” and to be kind. For as Shakespeare said, “Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, shall win my love.”

Suicide is Unkind and We Must Talk About it

With the death of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. I have been struggling with my own sadness about loss and about the loss of two, loved influencers. I am so shocked and confused about their decision to take their lives. I admired them both so much. They sought out and created beauty in fashion and food, but they also wanted to please people, see people, bring happiness, and insight.

What’s instructive about thinking about and talking about death, and about suicide deaths, is that so much of what I might tell myself is probably what I should keep in mind when talking with my clients and kids, too. Here is what I know:

• Keep it simple, factual, and focused - don’t project
• Remember that talking about death is frightening- don’t dwell but real
• Keep an open mind to questions - rich or poor, famous or not, we all have struggles
• Explain mental illness as you would physical illness, without blame or judgment- the brain is an organ and it can get sick

If you need to explain such a loss from suicide to a child or work through a loss in the simplest of terms, just remember. The person who died suffered from an illness called “depression” for many years and died of it. It is okay to be very sad. 

Depression is a sickness that lies to a person and makes them believe that the whole world would be better off if they were dead. But that is never true, and people can get help to stop feeling that way. 

Please know there are always people who care. 

I’ve had a few friends, family members and even strangers pull me out of dark times and keep my spirits up. I am so thankful for the kindness. We all struggle sometimes with despair.

Please call the National Suicide Hotline 1 800 273 8255 if you don’t have anyone or email or text or please call me.

The Upcoming Royal Wedding Brings Everyday Etiquette Reminders

With all the talk about the royal wedding of an American to England’s Prince Harry, the U.S. seems to be fascinated by all the commentary on royal etiquette. Like we in the new world should marvel at the day to day courtesies the new princess will be expected to exhibit as she assumes her royal duties. 

I find that funny. We have some of our very best friends living in London. One American and one Englishman found love and that is more than a reason to celebrate. We miss them desperately. We love to see their faces. I was so excited when they posted photos of their royal wedding celebration. The lovely Union Jack flag was flying in the back. 

We often forget to appreciate the kindness and courtesies of our closest friends and family. The royal wedding and my friend’s celebration of it reminded me of all those royal characteristics that make a friend and a princess shine. 

Here are my top five royal repeats!

1. Make eye contact and give a happy greeting – It is not an understatement to say, “the eyes are the window of the soul”. My lovely, London-living friend, Valerie has beautiful ones and when she speaks to me or asks me how I am, she looks at me and up from her phone or the last text. It is so valued and important to take a minute and look into a person’s eyes when you greet them, ask them how they are. The new Duchess is famous for her smile and gaze. We can all practice that more. Look up, into someone’s eyes and tell them how happy you are to see them.
2. Express a compliment or acknowledgement – My friend Valerie, always tells me how I look good or bad. She always compliments my latest pair of shoes or my new lipstick. She has even been known to straighten my fascinator after a few glasses of champagne. False compliments are not good but sincere ones put people at ease. The royal couple seems to be always expressing thanks and appreciation for the support and love they have received as they approach their big day. My English friend, Neil, always says, “Thank you” even for the smallest courtesy. That is royal behavior, express your thankfulness and give a compliment and you will go far.
3. Sit appropriately – Yes, body language matters. We all have been watching videos on how the new princess must sit. But is also important to practice good posture for our health and self-esteem. “Shoulders back, head up, chin parallel to the ground. Look them in the eye, go get ‘em tiger.” I am sure I have heard that a million times in my mind, mostly in the voice of my expat friend. 
4. A good breath mint – Yes. I said it. Carry them with you. Put them in your car, your bag, by the front door and in your desk. You never know when you are going to meet the love of your life and move to England like by best friend or the new Princess. Smell minty, embrace life’s new adventure and find love.

Dog Days of Spring

When Spring comes I begin to relish again walking my dog and being out in the warming, fresh air. Our dog, Pickles is always excited for a walk, no matter the weather. Always. Sometimes he even carries his leash to the door himself in his excitement. In a place so densely dog populated, pet owners need to know some common walking etiquette for us all to get along and be able to enjoyably walk our dogs every day. These are the basic commands for good doggie human behaviors.

Pick up after your dog. Most places have laws about this, plus it’s just rude to leave a steaming pile where someone might step.

Don’t allow your dog to trample through someone else’s garden or pee on their lawn. While it’s obviously harmful to the plants, the plants may also be harmful to your dog.

Do restrict meet and greets. Though we like our dogs to make new friends, not every pet owner welcomes a distraction on their walks. Don’t allow your dog to go up to someone else’s dog unless you have permission from the other owner.

Don’t let your dog go up to every person he sees unless it is welcomed. Even though your dog is the cutest dog out there, some people may not be in the mood to stop and love your pet, and others are afraid of dogs.

Don’t go up to other people’s dogs without asking first. He may look like a sweetie, but dog behavior is unpredictable.

Always leash your dog unless you’re at a designated off-leash area. While your dog might be a social butterfly and perfectly well behaved, you can’t assume that of every other dog you pass. Seeing a dog off-leash may also make other people (or dogs) nervous or anxious, so do them a favor and keep your pet leashed.

Share the sidewalk. It makes it difficult and is annoying to other pedestrians to have to maneuver around your dog when he is taking up the entire walkway.

Be aware of others and respect another pedestrians’ space.  

Enjoy, you are with your best friend and the weather is finally looking like Spring!

Rain, Rain, Go Away - Rudeness!

The core tenets of good etiquette is thinking about other people. Most of our rude behavior comes from "thoughtlessness.” One of the tricks of combating rudeness is paying attention to the people around us. That is particularly challenging when your combatting the weather and the wet and rainy days of March. Here are a few tricks to use this Spring to improve your wet weather etiquette. 

·       Close your umbrella when walking under scaffolding or a covered passageway. Make way for people. 

·       Texting and walking in the rain with a wide, wet umbrella is more than rude. It can wait.

·       If you’re tall, the points of your umbrella are parallel to the faces of those shorter than you. Be mindful.

·       If you change out of your rain boots at the office, make sure your co-workers do not see or smell you doing so.

·       The door guys are kind enough to set out a plastic bag for your umbrella, so use it. No one wants to slip on your drips.

·       Be extra courteous (and fiscally generous) with delivery men and women who work outside no matter the condition. Imagine how you would feel with their job!

·       If your Uber or bus window has been left open, wipe any rain you’ve left on the seats away before you leave. It’s an extra nice thing to do.

·       When leaving a store or restaurant, it’s OK to steal an umbrella of equal or lesser value than yours from the pile by the door, but only if someone else has already stolen yours. No, this is not OK! But it did jog your memory of that one time you may have done this, so, don’t do it again.

·       Avoid awkward encounters during sudden downpours: only four people fit comfortably under a standard street awning, two under most doorways.

·       Forget, Match.com. Use the bad weather to your advantage. Offer your umbrella to an attractive stranger.

Instantly improve your mood, be thoughtful and check the 10-day forecast and share the news of sunnier skies with family and colleagues to come. 

This rain too shall pass.

“If Manners Maketh The Man”

I have struggled to write a blog about manners this month when the news is full of sad, tragic events and ominous happenings. 

Does it really matter where the fork or napkin are placed or if you write a “thank you” note when threats of nuclear war and yet another school shooting are openly discussed?  

Does it matter how to properly shake a hand when we may have to say goodbye to neighbors and friends as they are deported to a land they’ve never known, and our children are unsafe in their schools? 

In contemplating what I should write this month and trying to shield my young 10-year-old daughter from much of the bad news from around the world, I’ve begun sharing with her 80’s music videos. What can be more vanilla, right? 

In doing so, we stumbled upon a Sting video for “I’m an Englishman in New York”, from 1988. I’ve always thought he was a poet. (Go ahead and judge.) but his words gave me hope and refocused me. He is right in so many ways with this song.

My heart melts when my daughter wants to hear the song over and over and sings the lyric “I’m an alien. I’m a legal alien.” at the top of her lungs. Her young mind so quickly memorized the lyrics. The lyrics that most inspire me seem so appropriate for the times. They remind me why courtesy is so important. I believe it is the thread that holds a decent society together. Kindness and thoughtfulness towards others spreads joy not hate. I can share nothing more prophetic than that. So I simply share Sting’s words. 

“Englishman In New York” - Sting

I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear

I like my toast done on one side

And you can hear it in my accent when I talk

I'm an Englishman in New York

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien

I'm an Englishman in New York

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien

I'm an Englishman in New York

If "Manners maketh man" as someone said

Then he's the hero of the day

It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile

Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien

I'm an Englishman in New York

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien

I'm an Englishman in New York

Modesty, propriety can lead to notoriety

You could end up as the only one

Gentleness, sobriety are rare in this society

At night a candle's brighter than the sun

Takes more than combat gear to make a man

Takes more than a license for a gun

Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can

A gentleman will walk but never run

If "Manners maketh man" as someone said

Then he's the hero of the day

It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile

Be yourself no matter what they say.”

Toasty Tips for Winter Weather Etiquette

The colder, darker months require all of us to adapt more to our environment and ensure we are taking some different steps than normal to be courteous to our fellow humans and pets. I am a warm weather girl. There is no doubt about it. So, I struggle with patience and kindness when the weather gets cold and the snow starts to fall. The days may feel long and cold. The electrical bill can go through the roof. But, my daughter loves the winter.  So, I have had to change my grizzly attitude and have found adopting a few of the etiquette tips below have helped me survive the frigid temperatures with a smile and warm heart.

Shoveling: Sure, plowing, and major snow removal are generally done by your landlord or the state, city, and county you live in but sometimes, however, a big storm hits, the snow is incredibly high and everyone who is able can pitch in to shovel a little bit. Take care of your driveway and walkway first but then help a neighbor. Even the kids can get involved by rolling the excess snow up into snowmen or to have snowball fights. Those who are unable to shovel but need to leave their house or neighborhood will be grateful for your thoughtfulness. Remember to pile snow out of the way of traffic patterns and walking areas.

Snowball-Fights: We’ve all seen those movies where an innocent snowball fight quickly escalates, then turns into a fun romp in the fresh powder. In real life though, snowball fights can lead to injury. So, never pack an object inside a snowball, such as a rock. While funny, avoid shots to the face. Snowballs should never be thrown at the elderly. Unless the elderly throws the first ball, then it’s game on.

Boots: When you come in from outside and into a common area of your home or office, do your best to clean your boots on the front mat before heading inside. Close your eyes and hear your mother’s voice in your head. The salt, gravel and dirt that are used to melt ice on the roads and sidewalks all get tracked inside via your boots. If it’s mostly contained to one area, it will be much easier for the person who needs to clean.

Cold Air: While you may feel hot (hey, some of us do with all those layers on!) be mindful that others who dream of tropical climates and are very sensitive to the cold. Do not prop open the front door when you are bringing in groceries or packages to your office or home for an extended period of time. Having a window or door propped open can actually cause your electricity bill to skyrocket!

Netflixxing: During the winter, people tend to spend a lot more time indoors. It’s also the perfect time to catch up on Netflix. When hosting, let your guest pick the movie. Who’s watching anyways, right? If you’ve already seen the movie and series before, don’t spoil the ending for your guests. Make sure your snuggle blanket has been washed since the last snowstorm.

Pets: It’s cold, it’s snowing, and Fido needs to go outside to use the bathroom. How tempting it is to just let him go directly in front of your neighbor’s house so you can quickly run inside to warm up! It is important to still clean up after your pet, regardless of the temperature outside. Remember that someone may accidentally step in Fido’s mess, and you wouldn’t want that person to be you. Remember the pets in the neighborhood and buy pet-friendly salt available at your local hardware store.

Winter is here, and it can feel long. A little kindness goes a long way to making your community a safer and happier place during these months.

Take the Happier Holiday Challenge

 Christmas is one of the most important celebrations for Christians in Southern Maryland and around the world. It comes during the same time of year of Hanukkah, Kwanza and around the corner from Milad un Nabi. But it can also be a time of stress, rushing, pressure and endless tasks to complete. This can lead to tension and angry outbursts in the parking lot looking for the last space or in the post office’s endless line.     

Here are a few tips guaranteed to decrease the stress and increase the courtesy and holiday cheer you experience and express this season.  

Send Holiday Cards or Not – If you can’t make it happen – Don’t. Send New Year’s cards, or express love with a Valentine’s Day card to all your friends in family. Sure, they want to hear from you but not at the risk of your sanity. If you send holiday cards make the message brief and commit to call your loved ones in the New Year to catch up.

Give Everyone the Same Gift – Simplify gift giving. Our family gave pajamas one year to all family members. Slippers work, the latest best seller, a new coffee cup or a new Keurig if you want to go high end are great gifts.  

Go Ahead and Re-gift – If someone gives you something you can’t use or don’t care for, it’s okay to re-gift it later, as long as you don’t give it back to the original person.

Go to the Holiday Party but Keep Your Job- You can have fun at the office party, but don’t forget where you are. It is never okay to drink too much, get too chummy or loud. Remember you need to keep your job in the New Year.

Plan for Christmas Dinner not the Last Supper – Avoid the stress of Christmas dinner with your in-laws where you are constantly correcting your children on their table manners. Review simple manners with them beforehand. Chew with your mouth close. Don’t reach for food. Wait to be served. Use your napkin and silverware. If you don’t like it, eat what you like and be polite.

Send that Thank You Note Before You Forget- As soon as possible after the holiday, send a thank you card to anyone who has given you a gift, hosted an event that you attended or done something special for you. And remember, that Skyped phone call with Grandma where you mentioned your love for her gift does not replace a handwritten note.

Show Gratitude – Be grateful for anything someone gives you. Keep in mind that the person took time to think about you. Keep a list of all the gifts or gestures of kindness you have received, review them each day when you wake up in the morning. By Christmas Eve, you will be amazed at how blessed you are. 

Start a Tradition- It is amazing what children remember from one year to the next. I find it is the little things; drinking hot chocolate on the beach, spreading reindeer food the night before Christmas for the reindeer to eat when Santa visits or writing a letter to St. Nick.

Forget that extra gift and give your children your time. Giving them your time without your phone in your hand shows you value them, it gives them confidence and that is the best gift and way to truly make the season a success. 

Ten Ways to Practice Your Thankfulness

As the holiday of Thanksgiving nears, it is a time to be reflective on how we can help those who are not as lucky, happy, loved, or as fortunate as we are. That can be the person next to you on the commuter bus, in line at the grocery store or at the coffee shop. One of the ways in our household we try to express our “thankfulness” is to go beyond practicing our everyday manners and courtesy to spread “kindness”. Small acts of courtesy can go a long way to make someone’s day. I saw a neighbor bring in the trash can of a new neighbor one cold rainy morning. This new member of our community happened to be a single mother still grabbling with move-in boxes. I often think about how important and poignant small acts of kindness are to someone struggling with so much.

These little gestures don’t cost much and each can serve as a great lesson for your children. You can see how many acts of kindness you can perform before Thanksgiving. You can share your stories around a plate of turkey. Better yet, you can challenge your family to a contest to see how many each member can perform and award the winner the turkey’s wishbone.

Here are a few examples of kindness you can perform. Think of your own and kick off this Thanksgiving season about spreading holiday cheer.

• Find opportunities to give compliments. It costs nothing, takes no time, and could make someone’s entire day. Don’t just think it. Say it.

• Pay for the coffee of the person next to you in line. No thanks needed. Just ask them to pay it forward the next time they see someone in need of caffeine.

• When you get a new piece of clothing for your holiday wardrobe, donate and old one. The Help Association at 1260 East Mount Harmony Road, Owings, Maryland, 20736, is a great place to donate clothes.

• Smile at someone and say “Good morning” just because.

• Call your grandparents and talk to them, without looking at your phone during the conversation.

• Leave a note in your child’s lunch bag or backpack.

• Offer to walk dogs or bring extra food, toys, or linens to a local animal shelter. To learn how to help contact the Calvert Animal Welfare League, www.cawlrescue.org.

• When you are throwing something away on the street, pick up any litter around you and put that in the trash, too.

• Join a local movement by brightening someone’s day by painting a rock and leaving it behind for someone to find. To learn more visit Calvert Rocks on Facebook.

• Donate a few hours of your time or drop off some food at a local food pantry. To find the best place to do so in your area visit, www.endhungercalvert.org.

• Leave a thank you note for your mail carrier or your trash man. They have thankless jobs and it will go a long way to make their day.

• Post only messages of gratitude and kindness on Facebook for the entire month of November – now there is a Thanksgiving challenge that will truly make you a success.